Tim The Thief » Funny Jokes

Bad News & Worse News

Tim — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 14:14:46 +0000

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news.”

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Turtle Mugging

Tim — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 14:08:59 +0000

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Bar Insults

Tim — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 08:17:08 +0000

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Ugly Baby

Tim — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 07:59:53 +0000

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Space Pen

Tim — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 07:50:04 +0000

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Dinner With The Mother-In-Law

Tim — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 07:33:24 +0000

A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: “Could you please pass the butter.” But instead I said: “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life”.”

35 Years

Tim — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 04:51:53 +0000

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson Go On A Camping Trip

Tim — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:51:28 +0000

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

- Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
- Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
- Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
- Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
- Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

The Hunting Accident

Tim — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:32:28 +0000

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“